Guys, what did we do to deserve this many horror movies in a single month?!?! I’m overwhelmed with all these new August horror films! From a ton of VOD films (of varying quality) to some solid theatrical releases, the August horror cup runneth over.
For my part, I’m excited for Ready or Not, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, Tigers Are Not Afraid, and The Divine Fury. Watch those trailers and many others after the cut!
The Night Sitter (VOD)(DVD)
“In an attempt to steal from a wealthy occult enthusiast, a con artist poses as a babysitter. One of the children summons a trio of witches, The Three Mothers.”
Never thought Suspiria would inspire a mediocre babysitting occult horror movie, but there you have it!
“Passengers on a sunken train have to choose between waiting for help or escaping into the murky water.”
Wait, wait, this is both a murder mystery gone wrong and a creature feature? Oof, that’s a lot of movie. Also, worst murder mystery dinner ever.
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Wide)
“The shadow of the Bellows family has loomed large in the small town of Mill Valley for generations. It’s in a mansion that young Sarah Bellows turns her tortured life and horrible secrets into a series of scary stories. These terrifying tales soon have a way of becoming all too real for a group of unsuspecting teens who stumble upon Sarah’s spooky home.”
This is one of the heavy hitters for August Horror, and I am torn because, on the one hand, F*CK y’all, this looks scary! The seven-year-old in me is NOT PREPARED for this movie. Harold is creeping me out BAD. I will be that girl in the theater gasping at everything, don’t worry. On the other hand, I’m an adult, and I’m a horror fan, and I’ve been burned before. *sniff* This better be good.
“Down-on-his-luck sewage worker, Howard North, discovers he is a part of a secret sect of magical demon hunters called the Nekromancers. When Howard finds out about evil demon Finnegan’s dark plans, he sets out to defeat her.“
This looks super random and awful (in a fun way), but Monica Belluci is in it! So it’s maybe worth a watch!
The Banana Splits (VOD)
“A maniac dressed in a dog costume wreaks bloody havoc during the taping of a popular children’s television show.“
Uh, apparently this horror movie is based on an actual 1970s Saturday morning kids’ program called The Banana Splits Adventure Hour? What? Why? Who asked for this?
47 Meters Down: Uncaged
“47 METERS DOWN – UNCAGED tells the story of four teens diving in a ruined underwater city, who quickly find themselves in a watery hell as their adventure turns to horror when they learn they are not alone in the submerged caves. As they swim deeper into the claustrophobic labyrinth of caves they enter the territory of the deadliest shark species in the ocean.”
August Horror delivers the shark movie yet again. Ok, this has some terrible acting in it, but this whole premise is in the top three of my biggest nightmares. This reminds me of The Descent, but with sharks and in the water. NIGHTMARE.
The Divine Fury
After waking up with mysterious wounds on his hands, a champion fighter finds himself in an otherworldly battle against evil forces that wreak havoc in the human world.
This Korean horror movie looks intriguing! It’s giving me a hardcore Constantine vibe, but with MMA fighting and in Korean. I want to see this!
“In the stark beauty of 19th Century Snowdonia a young girl tries desperately to hold her home together. Struggling with her mother’s mysterious illness, her father’s absence and a ruthless mining company encroaching on their land. A growing darkness begins to take grip of her home, and the suspicious local community turns on Gwen and her family.”
I love me an atmospheric, brooding period horror! I’ll see this one!
An investigative team travels deep into the remote Colorado wilderness after some young campers are viciously murdered by what may be Bigfoot.
Hoax looks like something I should skip.
Ready or Not (Wide)
“Grace couldn’t be happier after she marries the man of her dreams at his family’s luxurious estate. There’s just one catch — she must now hide from midnight until dawn while her new in-laws hunt her with guns, crossbows and other weapons.”
As far as I’m concerned, this is the August horror movie to see. I am so ready for this (har har)! I love horror comedies, and I especially love it when they contain biting satire about stuffy old rich people and weird family dynamics! That, and Ready or Not is also garnering rave reviews.
Don’t Let Go (Wide)
“After a man’s family appears to have been murdered, he gets a phone call from one of the dead and is unsure if she is a ghost or if he is going insane.“
I’m not sure if this is a horror movie or *just* a supernatural thriller, but it seems like a heart-pounding movie either way. Definitely worth a shot.
“After a string of bad relationships and work failures, Olive leaves for a weekend in the country, only to discover the shocking dark underbelly of rural America.“
*Sigh* I saw this film at SXSW, and it wasn’t good. It took itself way too seriously and managed to make every single character an annoying caricature with as much depth as a piece of paper. Worse still, Robert Patrick was there for a Q&A after the screening and basically admitted to not understanding what his character’s motivations were from the script. Best part: after the tipsy director (it was his birthday) went on and on about the part where Patrick’s character dons a cowboy outfit in a bid to recapture the loss of John-Wayne-esque masculinity, Patrick look him dead in the eye and said, “I didn’t know that’s what you were going for.”
It was a mess. But I laughed and laughed. See this movie if you want to cringe and laugh through a bad movie.
Oh and here’s a snippet of a review that pretty much captures my feelings: “But the film overestimates its wit, with too much emphasis on dialogue for even a jokey genre-hybrid film. The satire of a bitchy, shallow Millennial and a curmudgeonly, conservative boomer itself comes off tritely misanthropic, cornering the actors into strenuous one-dimensional turns that aren’t nearly as entertaining as intended.”
Jacob’s Ladder (VOD)
“After losing his brother in combat, Jacob Singer returns home from Afghanistan — only to be pulled into a mind-twisting state of paranoia. Singer soon realizes that his sibling is alive but life is not what it seems.“
Is this a remake of the trippy psychological horror original or not? It looks good on its own, but fans of the 1990 cult classic may be disappointed to find “the horror elements cast aside,” according to this review.
Tigers Are Not Afraid (Limited, Shudder)
“Thousands have been murdered or gone missing in Mexico’s ongoing violent drug war. The result is many orphaned children living on the streets caught in the unceasing cartel crossfire. In her third work of immense beauty, pain, fear, and joy, writer/director Issa López tells the magical story of five such urchins making the best of their daily struggle to survive. Perfectly balanced between harsh reality and the fantastic, this unflinching cautionary fable is part PAN’S LABYRINTH, part CITY OF GOD, all innovative South of the Border fairytale.“
I’ve been wanting to see Tigers Are Not Afraid for months, and now it’s coming to Shudder! The blending of fairy tale and horror promises to make for a compelling conceit, and the real-world injustice of orphaned kids will make this a heartwrenching film. I hope it can pull off both.
Itsy Bitsy (VOD)
“An ancient mysterious relic unleashes a giant prehistoric spider that terrorizes a single mother and her two children in their new house.“
Adorable kids and a beleaguered single mom? Check. A new house no parent would move into without getting a cleaning service? Check. A cursed object that is super dangerous and shouldn’t be in some random old guy’s house? Check. Creepy singing of children’s nursery rhyme over piano notes in the trailer? Check. A ridiculous CGI’d spider? Check and check!
It’s like the filmmakers put every cliché into this movie. I think I’ll pass.
What August horror movies are you looking forward to this month? Let me know in the comments.