I’ll come right out and say it – most of the October horror releases are not good this Halloween. In fact, some of these look downright terrible.

I’m not mad, but I am super disappointed. I was looking forward to Rings and Underworld: Blood Wars. I was expecting a release calendar full of solid (or even just serviceable) horror releases, but not this year.

But then Rings was moved to 2017. And then Underworld: Blood Wars was pushed back to 2017. Naomi Watts makes her return to horror in creepfest Shut In, but that doesn’t come out until November.

Which leaves us with this random group of horror movies.

Seriously? I am so very underwhelmed. Not all of these are terrible—Under The Shadow seems promising—but when Boo! A Madea Halloween looks better than 5 out of 8 movies on the October release schedule, something is very wrong.

Never fear, I’ve got your back. In the coming days, I’ll be making tons of horror recommendations to satisfy your Halloween movie needs. I’ve already laid out some horror classics appealing to both horror fans and non-fans. Stay tuned for more!

Anyway, I’d really hate to do this to you, but here are the October horror releases for Halloween 2016. Please forgive me.

OCTOBER 7

 

  1. The Greasy Strangler (Limited)

Ronnie (Michael St. Michaels) runs a disco walking tour along with his browbeaten son, Brayden (Sky Elobar). When a sexy, alluring woman named Janet (Elizabeth De Razzo) comes to take the tour, it begins a competition between father and son for her attentions. It also brings about the appearance of an oily, slimy, inhuman maniac who stalks the streets at night and strangles the innocent-soon dubbed the Greasy Strangler.

WTF did I just watch?

 

  1. Under the Shadow (Limited)

Under the Shadow is a 2016 internationally co-produced horror film written and directed by Iranian-born Babak Anvari as his directorial debut. A mother and daughter are haunted by a mysterious evil in 1980s Tehran, during the War of the Cities

At least foreign horror is bring it this month. Under the Shadow seems like another dark yet fresh Iranian horror film.

 

  1. Phantasm: Ravager (Limited)

Brothers Mike and Jody join family friend Reggie to battle the Tall Man, a supernatural undertaker, and his evil minions from another dimension for the final time.”

LMAO what in the low-budget, Sy-Fy-Channel-movie hell?

 

OCTOBER 14

 

  1. Jack Goes Home (limited)

“After his father is killed in a car crash, Jack (Rory Culkin) travels home to Colorado to help nurse his mother (who was injured in the crash) back to health. There, he uncovers long buried secrets and lies within his family history, his parents, his friends and his very identity.”

This looks like it has potential! And check out that cast!

 

OCTOBER 21

 

  1. 31 (Wide – Last month’s planned wide release was changed to limited at the last minute)

Five carnival workers are kidnapped the night before Halloween and held hostage in a large compound. At the mercy of their captors, they are forced to play a twisted game of life or death called 31. For the next 12 hours, they must fight for their lives against an endless parade of homicidal maniacs.

Hunger Games + The Purge: Anarchy + Rob Zombie = 31. Depending on your taste, that might not be a bad thing.

 

  1. Ouiji: Origin of Evil (Wide)

In 1965 Los Angeles, a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their séance scam business and unwittingly invite authentic evil into their home. When the youngest daughter is overtaken by the merciless spirit, this small family confronts unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side.

Hooo boy, this looks dumb. Where to start? I’d rather not.

 

  1. Boo! A Madea Halloween (Wide)

Madea (Tyler Perry) fends off killers, poltergeists, ghosts, ghouls and zombies while keeping a watchful eye on a group of mischievous teens at a Halloween party.

I won’t even front–I loll’ed.

 

OCTOBER 28

 

  1. The Windmill (Limited)

“Jennifer is an Australian girl on the run from her past who washes up in Amsterdam. In a desperate attempt to stay one step ahead of the authorities, she joins a coach-load of tourists embarking on a tour of Holland’s world famous windmills. When the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, she and the other tourists are forced to seek shelter in a disused shed beside a sinister windmill where, legend has it, a Devil-worshiping miller once ground the bones of locals instead of grain. As members of the group start to disappear, Jennifer learns that they all have something in common – a shared secret that seems to mark them all for doom.

An evil windmill?

YOU GUYS.

AN EVIL WINDMILL.

I’M DYING LMAO.

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