Oh May, such a beautiful month but oh-so boring when it comes to horror movies.

Maybe it’s because May marks the official start of the summer blockbuster season, so distributors dump their mediocre movies where they can, knowing full well that the new Marvel or DC movie will dominate the box office. Or maybe we just have to wait a little longer for the good stuff (July 1 for The Purge: Election Year!!!).

Whatever the reason, May’s list of horror movies leaves a lot to be desired. Some of these have potential, like Bite or What We Become. Hell, Most Likely to Die looks hilarious. So I should reserve judgment. And honestly, I tried.

At the very least, some of these could make a really good RedBox or VOD rental.

Check them out!

May 6

Sweet Home

“Alicia is a young real estate broker who stumbles on an old apartment building, where she plans a secret and romantic meeting with her boyfriend Simon. But they don’t know, that the lessor has sent some murderers to kill the last remaining tenant. When Alicia and Simon catching them in the act, they are forced to run, hide and fight for their lives.”

I couldn’t find an English language trailer, but you get the gist. 

Usually, a Spanish horror film is a force to be reckoned with, à la Rec or Mientras Duermas, the latter of which got under my skin so badly I have an irrational hatred for actor Luis Tosar. And while those movies were totally effective in weaving their brands of unique horror onscreen, I don’t think I can say the same for Sweet Home. It looks kind of…bland? And this is coming from someone who is really bothered by home invasion movies! I never thought the trailer for a brutal home invasion movie would leave me bored.

This bored me.

 

Bite

“While on her bachelorette party getaway, Casey, the bride to be, gets a seemingly harmless bite from an unknown insect. After returning home with cold feet, Casey tries to call off her wedding but before she’s able to, she starts exhibiting insect like traits. Between her physical transformation and her wedding anxiety, Casey succumbs to her new instincts and begins creating a hive that not only houses her translucent eggs, but feeds on the flesh of others. As her transformation becomes complete, Casey discovers that everything can change with a single bite.”

This trailer on the other hand! I love bachelorette parties and I (squeamishly) love body horror, so I’m kind of jazzed to see a movie where a bride-to-be turns into a bride-zilla, or maybe a bride-lizard? Literally.

This movie is being hyped pretty hard too, with reports of people vomiting and fainting at screenings. And while it may not be the best movie, everyone seems to agree that it’s super gross. That’s worth the price of admission alone.

 

The Offering

“When young and successful reporter Jamie finds out that her sister has died in mysterious circumstances, she travels to Singapore to uncover the truth. There, she discovers multiple deaths linked to her sister’s and must join forces with her sister’s husband in order to defeat a demonic entity that is using new technology to complete an ancient mission.”

 

I’ll tell you my exact thought process while watching this trailer—

“Oh, so The Forest, but in Indonesia?”

“Oh wait, no, it’s The Exorcist?”

The Grudge?”

The Exorcist?”

“What’s going on?”

Honestly, this movie looks a mess. It’s all over the place. And why is the Tower of Babel presented as some kind of tale of demonic possession? Have the filmmakers ever heard the story? It’s about how God thought mankind was becoming to efficient and unified for His liking, so he introduced multiple languages to keep His creation confused. Is this what The Offering is about? Doesn’t seem like it.

Though now I kind of want a horror movie that explores the story of the Tower of Babel.

 

May 13

The Darkness

“A family returns from a Grand Canyon vacation with a supernatural presence in tow.”

You should understand something—I adore Kevin Bacon. I had a huge crush on him when I was little and saw Footloose. That crush was reignited thanks to the first season of The Following.

Consequently, it’s with much fear and skepticism that I ask him now, Dearest Kevin Bacon, what are you doing in this movie?

Are we still relegating Native Americans and their religions to “The Other” for the sake of scares? Without even bothering to talk about which tribe this sacred ground belonged to? Like damn guys, these were people with a rich and developed culture. Is it too much to ask that the people and their culture be treated with something approaching respect? Especially in light of how poorly Hollywood continues to treat Native Americans? Or are we going to keep treating them like the boogeymen they never were?
Just once, JUST ONCE, could we get a horror movie about Native Americans that actually addresses the grievances they have with the dominant white/American culture? All movies like this ever do is dance around (valid) charges of colonialism and imperialism without ever pointing a finger and saying, “You decimated our way of life and we have justifiable anger as a result.” Horror movies can be incredibly effective at rendering this kind of anger and it kills me that this kind of movie doesn’t have the balls to really go there.

All that being said, maybe this movie will surprise me, though I won’t hold my breath. At least the handprints are a striking visual element?

Whatever.

 

Most Likely to Die

“A group of former classmates gather for a pre-party at one of their homes the night before their 10-year high school reunion, and one by one, they are brutally slain in a manner befitting each’s senior yearbook superlative.”

OH. EM. GEE.

I host Bad Movie nights at my house, and I think I just found my next movie. I love ridiculous slashers about holidays/milestone events (My Bloody Valentine, April Fool’s Day, and any of the Christmas slashers)! I love them almost as much as I love the killer’s WONDERFUL costume in this movie. SPOILER: someone dies from taking the “sharp” end of a graduation cap’s mortarboard to the face. So much fun. So damn cheesy.

 

The Curse of Sleeping Beauty

“The Curse of Sleeping Beauty” is an entirely new, dark vision of the classic Brothers Grimm adventure. Thomas Kaiser inherits an ancestral mansion that has been in his family for generations, only to learn that he has also inherited an ancient curse stemming back to the Crusades. Forced into his new role as “protector”, the guardian appointed to keep the evil demons in the house at bay, Thomas must unravel the mystery of the house, while struggling to awaken the beautiful Briar Rose, held captive in a terrifying netherworld seen previously in his dreams.”

I just got done talking up Tale of Tales and how fairy tales and horror movies are wonderful compliments. And then this trailer came out, which has made me reexamine my position.

I have so many questions. Has anyone had an acting class? Why is Ethan Peck so shirtless? What is Sleeping Beauty wearing on her head? Why is she wearing enough eyeliner to rival Avril Lavigne circa 2002?

Okay, that’s a little harsh. Honestly, I love the idea of a modern Sleeping Beauty, hidden somewhere in a basement with while the Not-Knights Templar keep her safe. And the production design looks solid. Check out some production stills here.

But I still can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t a good movie. Definitely one for RedBox.

 

What We Become

“A family of four is quarantined in their home as a virulent strand of the flu spreads into town and they are forced to the extreme to escape alive.”

Welp, this seems like your typical zombie fare, which we’ve had far too much of in recent years. The trailer contains all of the average jump scares, the typical unfurling of the zombie apocalypse, and the now cliche journey from apocalyptic wasteland to relative safety. Pretty cinematography does not a novel zombie film make.

However, I was able to find a review from Birth.Movies.Death. that highlighted the familial relationships as the anchor for the film.http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2015/09/30/fantastic-fest-review-what-we-become Honestly, that’s a pretty good way to give a zombie movie gravitas. Zombie movies, and survival horror in general, aren’t about the threat so much as they are about people coping with the threat. Consequently, it’s a good thing when a zombie film really focuses on interpersonal aspect of the zombie apocalypse.

But so many movies do this already. Does this one bring something new and exciting to the table? That remains to be seen, as this trailer didn’t exactly wow me.

 

Have you seen any of these? Let me know what you though in the comments!