Y’all, it’s a March Horror Miracle!

March is my birthday month, and the universe has seen fit to gift me (because it’s all about me) with a lot of new March horror movie releases! Many of these films were on the festival circuit in preceding months, and thus they have been on my radar for a long time. What did I do to deserve so many of them being released in my birthday month?

Where do I start? Of course, I am most excited for Jordan Peele’s Us, starring Lupita Nyong’o, which looks straight frightening. There’s also festival circuit darlings Climax, Book of Monsters, and The Field Guide to Evil. And if that wasn’t enough, I’ve been given a true gift in the form of Lindsay Lohan’s latest…um…role as a WEREWOLF in Among the Shadows, a cheeseball of a horror movie that will live in Bad Movie Night Infamy for years to come.

I love it.

MARCH 1

Greta

Frances finds a handbag on the New York subway and promptly returns it to Greta, an eccentric French piano teacher who loves tea and classical music. Having recently lost her mother, young Frances strikes up a seemingly harmless friendship with the lonely and kindly widow who enjoys her company. But when Greta’s behavior becomes increasingly erratic and obsessive, Frances does whatever it takes to end the toxic relationship before things spiral out of control.

This horror/thriller doesn’t seem to break new ground in the story department, but damn if Isabella Huppert isn’t going to scare the shit out of us all. The woman is FIERCE and SUPER FRENCH, which means that there’s an excellent chance some shit will go down. With Neil Jordan directing (Interview With The Vampire, Byzantium), Greta is bound to make crazy look gorgeous. Rotten Tomatoes describes the film as “A bonkers B movie that’s elevated considerably by its A-list talent, Greta dives headlong into camp and stays afloat thanks to a pair of powerful lead performances.” That sounds pretty awesome!

Climax

When members of a dance troupe are lured to an empty school, drug-laced sangria causes their jubilant rehearsal to descend into a dark and explosive nightmare as they try to survive the night — and find out who’s responsible — before it’s too late.

So…here’s some more French craziness from professional WTF-artiste Gasper Noe. That means it will be an intense ride that probably won’t make much sense, though Noe isn’t always interested in things like plot. That being said, I love that it has a very cool and technically stunning dance scene in the beginning, and I hear shit gets CRAZY.

I also came up with some alternative titles for Climax:

Step Up 6: Gasper Noe Makes a Dance Movie

Step Up 6: Tripping Balls, French Horror Style

Step Up 6: Worst Party Ever

Step Up 6: Best Party Ever

Cannibal Club

A wealthy Brazilian couple develop a nasty habit of eating their hapless employees, all culled from the poverty-stricken masses outside of their sprawling seaside mansion.

I don’t know enough about Brazil and their social scene right now to comment, but this seems a wee bit political like it might be a social critique of some of the more corrupt and heartless members of Brazillian society. A bunch of rich people eating the help and engaging in all sorts of depravity isn’t exactly fresh, but it might be a worthwhile satire, if for no other reason than it might offer a fascinating look at Brazillian horror.

Additionally: damn, I’ve never seen full frontal nudity in a trailer before.

The Hole in the Ground (Direct TV)

One night, Sarah’s young son disappears into the woods behind their rural home. When he returns, he looks the same, but his behavior grows increasingly disturbing. Sarah begins to believe that the boy who returned may not be her son at all.

This Sundance entry is yet another example of how creepy kids are extra popular in horror this year. And while The Hole In the Ground displays some dark and pretty imagery in its trailer, it looks a bit like every other scary child horror movie.

Tuftland (VOD)

A headstrong textile student tries to overcome her problems by accepting a summer job offer from an isolated and offbeat village of Kyrsyä.

Finland has turned out some notable horror pictures in recent years, like Rare Exports and Bodom Lake. Now, Tuftland takes aim at patriarchal structures in this very Scandinavian horror/satire about a weird cult led by seemingly animalistic men. The implications here, while hardly subtle, promise a gripping narrative that just might show us how the Finnish feel about the patriarchy.

Among the Shadows (VOD)

A Brussels private detective who comes from a long line of werewolves uses her innate instincts to unravel the conspiracy behind her uncle’s murder.

I LIVE for “horror” movies that look this bad! Where do I even start? The tortured concept of the plot, which I still don’t fully understand? The painfully conscious casting of a Kate Beckinsale look-alike to somehow capitalize on Underworld? The fact that most of the scenes are filmed in tight close-ups, as if the film is so low budget they don’t have real sets? Or the fact that Lindsay Lohan plays a werewolf with vaguely political ties? And she isn’t even the lead, but the film has nothing else going for it? Hilarious!

Bad movie night, here I come!

30 Miles From Nowhere (VOD)(DVD)

When five college pals return home for their estranged friend’s funeral, what begins as an uneasy reunion becomes a terrifying fight for survival.

This trailer started off OK and even reminded me a little of last year’s The Ritual. But then it quickly devolved into every horror cliché, packing jump scares and other ~frightening~ stuff into the trailer. While I get the sense that the trailer gives away the whole movie, it was also an incredibly muddled trailer. Is the group haunted by their friend or is someone watching them serial-killer style? Or both? Is their friend dead or alive? OR BOTH? I’m confident that the two hours of my life needed to watch this are infinitely more valuable spent taking a nap. #momlife

MARCH 19

Book of Monsters (VOD)

After Sophie’s 18th birthday party becomes a bloodbath when six terrifying monsters descend upon her house, intent on devouring the party guests, she must rally a band of misfits and take up arms to send their party crashers back to hell.

Don’t you just hate it when you throw a party for your birthday, when some uninvited Satan worshipper conjures demons right in the middle of it, and then the demons eat all your guests? It’s THE WORST. I remember this film from my coverage of last year’s Frightfest. It seems like a perfect low-budget horror-comedy with plenty of heart, where the cast’s devotion to the film makes up for the cheap special effects. It might be worth your time, especially considering that it’s available on VOD.

MARCH 22

Us

Accompanied by her husband, son and daughter, Adelaide Wilson returns to the beachfront home where she grew up as a child. Haunted by a traumatic experience from the past, Adelaide grows increasingly concerned that something bad is going to happen to her family. Her worst fears soon become a reality when four masked strangers descend upon the house, forcing the Wilsons into a fight for survival. When the masks come off, each stranger takes the appearance of a different family member.

I don’t have to reiterate how excited I am for this film (it is, after all, one of my most anticipated films of the year). But I will reiterate anyway—I’m stoked for Jordan Peele’s latest horror movie. As with Get Out, Peele wrote and directed Us, and the trailer looks legitimately terrifying. If Get Out was any indication, we can expect an engaging plot, excellent writing, pitch-perfect performances, and one hell of a movie.

Also, where can I get that version of “I Got 5 on It”?

MARCH 29

The Field Guide to Evil (VOD)

This global anthology of eight narratives explores dark folklore through a series of myths and tales that have captivated, galvanized and frightened communities throughout history.

I’ve been waiting for a chance to watch this horror anthology since I discovered it was at last year’s SXSW. Horror anthologies are a great way to explore stories that don’t need to be told in a feature-length format, which tends to lend itself to impressive efforts that grab your attention and don’t let go. In The Field Guide to Evil, 8 filmmakers contributed short films representing their countries’ unique folklore and ghost stories. The spread of countries is pretty diverse: Hungary, Austria (think Goodnight Mommy), Germany, Greece, Norway, India, Poland (think The Lure), Turkey (known for Baskin), and the United States.  

And don’t let the kind of cheesy trailer cut fool you—the film has garnered mostly positive reviews, even winning the SXSW Gamechanger Award.

Which March horror releases are you excited for? Are there any March horror films I missed? Let me know in the comments!

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